It's been two years today since the last time I spoke with my dad. Two years tomorrow since he passed. And so much longer since I last saw him. So much has happened over the last two years, that I can't help but pause and reflect on it all. I never realized how much I would still miss him. How strong that ache of grief would still feel. I suppose it's to be expected-he's my dad. But some days I miss him sooo much more. I wish he was here to see my brother and sister graduate from college. I want him to be here in June when he becomes a grandpa for the first time, and I become a mother. I wish he was here to see my first house, my sister's wedding, my brother's new job. To watch our new milestones and to make more memories. It doesn't feel right to reach these milestones without my dad, like somehow they are incomplete, not as satisfying because a piece of it is obviously missing.

At this time last year, I felt a peace. A peace that made no sense, yet that I needed in order to know it was going to be okay. I was going to be okay. But this year...I miss him more. I don't wish him back here--that would be selfish. But yet, I wish he was here. Perhaps that he had never left. Or that somehow being in heaven didn't mean that I would never see him again...not in this lifetime, anyway.

Someday, I'll tell Isla about her grandpa. I'll tell her how he coached my softball team, and built houses, and had the ability to talk with everyone he met. I'll tell her about his love for adventure and excitement, his desire to live hard, work hard, play hard. I'll try to re-create his sense of humor and his goofy nature, just so she can have an inkling of what her grandpa was like. I'll show her pictures that won't even begin to explain him, and I'll tell her stories that will only encapsulate a fraction of who he was, in hopes of sharing him with her. It won't be perfect. And it won't even begin to illustrate who he was. But I hope that she grows up to have a love for a grandpa she's never met, and an excitement to see him in heaven.