Compassion Fatigue.
Sounds like a pretty word, doesn't it? One that would be written on pictures and in scrapbooks in script, with curls and scrolls and those doopty-doo designs that I cannot think of the name.
But compassion fatigue is nothing close to attractive. Quite the opposite, actually. It was previously and more commonly known as burn-out, though I have to admit that knowing these words were interchangable was a slight breath of relief. Try to tell someone NOT in the health service field that you are burnt-out, and they will tell you to get more sleep or to take a day off. But in the same sentence they will ask if you are continuing to take care of yourself and your spouse and your family and your wifely duties......
However, tell someone you're struggling with compassion fatigue, and you may get a look of confusion or a look of sympathy. CF is serious, and a struggle, and does not necessarily go away with a day of rest. Once you get to that point, it's a process to get back. Sort-of like we explain to clients about the process of change. So hard to take your own advice.
I recently read this great description on website:
You're drained, tapped out, have little energy to give others. We’ve all been there. Usually, after a little break we revive and step back up to the plate. What happens, however, when these feelings don’t pass - going beyond fatigue and turning into something much worse, like apathy? This could spell trouble for those caring for an elderly parent or sick child, or for health care professionals rendering care to others.
This term has replaced the more familiar term "burn-out." It refers to a physical, emotional and spiritual fatigue or exhaustion that takes over a person and causes a decline in his or her ability to experience joy or to feel and care for others. Compassion fatigue is a one-way street, in which individuals are giving out a great deal of energy and compassion to others over a period of time, yet aren’t able to get enough back to reassure themselves that the world is a hopeful place. It’s this constant outputting of compassion and caring over time that can lead to these feelings.
Another site explained it short and simple, but more descript
Caring too much can hurt. When caregivers focus on others without practicing self-care, destructive behaviors can surface. Apathy, isolation, bottled up emotions and substance abuse head a long list of symptoms associated with the secondary traumatic stress disorder now labeled: Compassion Fatigue
Honestly, it was almost slightly relieving to hear that it had a name, and it was not depression, anxiety, bipolar, chronic stress, or the many other disorders doctors have tried to use. The thing is, though those other symptoms may be present, it's become a result, a consequence so to speak, of my profession. Dealing with it and later preventing it is crucial.
As for now, I turn to God. One day I asked my supervisor what to do when you become burned but sleep and self-care do not alleviate it. She paused, and said assuredly, You pray to God for strength. You pray for it to pass, for the energy you need, and for His strength to carry you through. Nothing else will help.
So I continue to pray, and to ask for prayers. I pray for my own struggle with CF to pass, I pray for success over my fatigue, irritability, and decreasing sense of care, and I pray for my family, that they can recognize what is happening and be with me through this journey to an existence where it's not a daily task to wake and arise each morning, waiting for the night to come to go back to sleep. An existence where life is enjoyable, and spending time with family and friends are not just one more item to check off my to-do list.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Old feelings, still true
I recently came across an old blog and considered it worth reposting. Still so accurate.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
"Never been unloved" (Michael W. Smith) Current mood:passionate Category: Life
Insecure. Worthless. Broken. Failure. Trash. Even just typing these words, my mouth fills with a taste of disgust. So many young men and young women hear these messages playing in their heads like a tape (yes, a cassette-remember those?) set on playback, repeat. The origination of these messages is unique to each heart. Some have heard them beaten in year after year, literally in verbal or emotional abuse from those whom they love and value opinions from the most. These children have grown up believing they have no place in this world, or that if they do, it is only if they improve themselves or just stay low and unnoticed. Surely there is no acceptance offered for failures such as these. Others hear these words through the actions of others, as they tend to speak a little louder, verifying the truth of the disbelief. And still more hear these messages from the lack of: the lack of trust, the lack of love, the lack of encouragement, the lack of affirmation, and the lack of assurance. Neglect takes the most evil form, because it teaches these children of the Lord that they are not worth anyone's time. They have been lost in the midst of a busy and more important world.
Yet as I sit here, more words come to mind. Beautiful, precious, valuable, worthy, priceless. These words, too, have been playing, but in a softer and more subtle form, so that the words of the world--nay, the devil--ring so much louder to the ear. God whispers to His children that that are beautifully and wonderfully made. He looks at them with love and admiration, remembering the intricate details with which they were formed. Remembering their purposes, and arranging for the most romantic and unique life for each. To Him, each child is just as important as the last. No one was looked over; no one was forgotten. God doesn't make "mistakes", as so many have quoted.
The tape recorder that continues to be played is a message from the devil himself, hitting on our deepest weakness to work to his greatest advantage. He picks our fallen natures--our deepest struggles--and attacks them, again and again. Of this I am sure, and have seen him firsthand try to intervene in a place God was trying to heal in my own life. He whispers these messages in our ears: "you're not good enough, not pretty enough, not worthy enough." "You are a failure and a disappointment. What is wrong with you?" "If only you could be like him/her...then your life would be perfect. Then he/she would love you more. Then GOD would love you more." And a disappointment this is, for sure, because God is longing us to listen to Him. To really take in and remember what He is telling us.
I recently was reminded something so simple that it brought me to tears. As I hear these messages pounding my head and fight back my "emotionality", why am I listening? If i honestly stop and think, "what would God be saying? Would God be telling me that I have no value? That I am a disappointment, that I am insignificant, that I am ugly?" NO! He is, and doesn't, and won't! God continues patiently whispering to us, His heart breaking every time we believe these lies about ourselves and the son or daughter we are. He so longs for us to realize our worth and value, and to feel acceptance through Him. Maybe our pasts have sent us these messages with which we will never live up to, and never fulfill. Maybe we will never find what we were missing so much from the people whom we needed it the most. But that's what makes Him so amazing. HE can fill that, can give that, can heal that. HE alone can make up for the loss, for the pain and the hurt. He can mend our hearts and send us on our way to live for HIM and Him alone.
My friends, girls and guys alike...if nothing else, take this away from my thoughts: YOU ARE PRICELESS TO HIM, A BEAUTIFUL CHILD OF GOD. Each time you hear that pang of doubt or insecurity, stop and wonder, "is this message from God? And if not, what WOULD God be saying?" "Sometimes you have to be firm and pray several times. As Peter said, 'firm in the faith' (1 Peter 5:9). But leave it does!" [Captivating] Put your focus on Him, and soon you will see the message He longs for you to hear.
"But You never said it would be easy...You only said I'd never go alone..." ~Ginny Owens
"The reason a woman wants a beauty to unveil, the reason she asks, "Do you delight in me? is simply that God does as well. God is capitvating beauty." ~Wild at Heart
"He replied, "I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions an dto overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you." ~Luke 10:18-19
"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" ~Mathhew 11:28
"God decided to give us life through the word of truth so we might be the most important of all things He made." `~James 1:18
"The LORD will fulfill His purpose for me" ~Psalm 138:8a
"The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what He does for us." ~Romans 12:3
"You are who you are for a reason, You're part of an intricate plan. You're a precious and perfect unique design, Called God's special woman or man. *You look like you look for a reason, Our God made no mistake. He knit you together within the womb; You're just what He wanted to make. *The parents you had were the ones He chose, and no matter how you may feel; they were custom-designed with God's plan in mind, and they bear the Master's seal. *No, that trauma you faced was not easy, and God wept that it hurt you so. But it was allowed to shape your heart, so that into His likeness you'd grow. *You are who you are for a reason, You've been formed by the Master's rod. You are who you are, beloved, because there is a God." ~Russell Keifer, from "Purpose Driven Life"
Thursday, August 24, 2006
"Never been unloved" (Michael W. Smith) Current mood:passionate Category: Life
Insecure. Worthless. Broken. Failure. Trash. Even just typing these words, my mouth fills with a taste of disgust. So many young men and young women hear these messages playing in their heads like a tape (yes, a cassette-remember those?) set on playback, repeat. The origination of these messages is unique to each heart. Some have heard them beaten in year after year, literally in verbal or emotional abuse from those whom they love and value opinions from the most. These children have grown up believing they have no place in this world, or that if they do, it is only if they improve themselves or just stay low and unnoticed. Surely there is no acceptance offered for failures such as these. Others hear these words through the actions of others, as they tend to speak a little louder, verifying the truth of the disbelief. And still more hear these messages from the lack of: the lack of trust, the lack of love, the lack of encouragement, the lack of affirmation, and the lack of assurance. Neglect takes the most evil form, because it teaches these children of the Lord that they are not worth anyone's time. They have been lost in the midst of a busy and more important world.
Yet as I sit here, more words come to mind. Beautiful, precious, valuable, worthy, priceless. These words, too, have been playing, but in a softer and more subtle form, so that the words of the world--nay, the devil--ring so much louder to the ear. God whispers to His children that that are beautifully and wonderfully made. He looks at them with love and admiration, remembering the intricate details with which they were formed. Remembering their purposes, and arranging for the most romantic and unique life for each. To Him, each child is just as important as the last. No one was looked over; no one was forgotten. God doesn't make "mistakes", as so many have quoted.
The tape recorder that continues to be played is a message from the devil himself, hitting on our deepest weakness to work to his greatest advantage. He picks our fallen natures--our deepest struggles--and attacks them, again and again. Of this I am sure, and have seen him firsthand try to intervene in a place God was trying to heal in my own life. He whispers these messages in our ears: "you're not good enough, not pretty enough, not worthy enough." "You are a failure and a disappointment. What is wrong with you?" "If only you could be like him/her...then your life would be perfect. Then he/she would love you more. Then GOD would love you more." And a disappointment this is, for sure, because God is longing us to listen to Him. To really take in and remember what He is telling us.
I recently was reminded something so simple that it brought me to tears. As I hear these messages pounding my head and fight back my "emotionality", why am I listening? If i honestly stop and think, "what would God be saying? Would God be telling me that I have no value? That I am a disappointment, that I am insignificant, that I am ugly?" NO! He is, and doesn't, and won't! God continues patiently whispering to us, His heart breaking every time we believe these lies about ourselves and the son or daughter we are. He so longs for us to realize our worth and value, and to feel acceptance through Him. Maybe our pasts have sent us these messages with which we will never live up to, and never fulfill. Maybe we will never find what we were missing so much from the people whom we needed it the most. But that's what makes Him so amazing. HE can fill that, can give that, can heal that. HE alone can make up for the loss, for the pain and the hurt. He can mend our hearts and send us on our way to live for HIM and Him alone.
My friends, girls and guys alike...if nothing else, take this away from my thoughts: YOU ARE PRICELESS TO HIM, A BEAUTIFUL CHILD OF GOD. Each time you hear that pang of doubt or insecurity, stop and wonder, "is this message from God? And if not, what WOULD God be saying?" "Sometimes you have to be firm and pray several times. As Peter said, 'firm in the faith' (1 Peter 5:9). But leave it does!" [Captivating] Put your focus on Him, and soon you will see the message He longs for you to hear.
"But You never said it would be easy...You only said I'd never go alone..." ~Ginny Owens
"The reason a woman wants a beauty to unveil, the reason she asks, "Do you delight in me? is simply that God does as well. God is capitvating beauty." ~Wild at Heart
"He replied, "I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions an dto overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you." ~Luke 10:18-19
"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" ~Mathhew 11:28
"God decided to give us life through the word of truth so we might be the most important of all things He made." `~James 1:18
"The LORD will fulfill His purpose for me" ~Psalm 138:8a
"The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what He does for us." ~Romans 12:3
"You are who you are for a reason, You're part of an intricate plan. You're a precious and perfect unique design, Called God's special woman or man. *You look like you look for a reason, Our God made no mistake. He knit you together within the womb; You're just what He wanted to make. *The parents you had were the ones He chose, and no matter how you may feel; they were custom-designed with God's plan in mind, and they bear the Master's seal. *No, that trauma you faced was not easy, and God wept that it hurt you so. But it was allowed to shape your heart, so that into His likeness you'd grow. *You are who you are for a reason, You've been formed by the Master's rod. You are who you are, beloved, because there is a God." ~Russell Keifer, from "Purpose Driven Life"
The human mind
Have you ever stopped to wonder and marvel at the incredible strength of the human mind?
I was watching a reality show over my relaxing weekend where a girl believed she was pregnant. She was late for her period, and she began to have morning sickness. She even tested positive on a pregnancy test. A few days later, she got her period and everything came to a halt.
In another movie, a little girl played by Brittany Murphy (God rest her soul) has been in one psych hospital after another for multiple diagnoses and disorders. Her issue of biggest attention is her mutism and tendency to resort back to the little girl who cannot communicate with adults. Once her secret is revealed, however, her "disorder" all but disappears.
Movies? Yes. But real nonetheless. The human brain has been known to 'create' illnesses and disorders, even beliefs and experiences, by the sheer power of the imagination and belief system--convincing themselves that events have happened that in reality never occurred. That situations are real but in reality were never experienced. That people exist who do not. If one could master this, well, wow.... Just THINK of what possibilities would lie ahead!
I wonder if this is the type of faith that God asks us to have. The faith that would allow us to walk on water, to move mountains, to save. A sobering thought. All it takes is the direction of our brains and the pure focus on the focal point. If mere human beings can produce reality out of thought, what more could we do if that focus were where it belonged? What if our focus were so entranced on God and His desires for creation and the world that we could will miracles into action to bring others closer to Christ?
Religion aside, I cannot fathom to what extent the human mind could travel given it's strength when all focused on a single area. It's unfortunate that the world offers so many distractors at every turning point that the people who have acquired the ability to train and focus their brain down to a single microscopic point are considered to have a disorder.......
I was watching a reality show over my relaxing weekend where a girl believed she was pregnant. She was late for her period, and she began to have morning sickness. She even tested positive on a pregnancy test. A few days later, she got her period and everything came to a halt.
In another movie, a little girl played by Brittany Murphy (God rest her soul) has been in one psych hospital after another for multiple diagnoses and disorders. Her issue of biggest attention is her mutism and tendency to resort back to the little girl who cannot communicate with adults. Once her secret is revealed, however, her "disorder" all but disappears.
Movies? Yes. But real nonetheless. The human brain has been known to 'create' illnesses and disorders, even beliefs and experiences, by the sheer power of the imagination and belief system--convincing themselves that events have happened that in reality never occurred. That situations are real but in reality were never experienced. That people exist who do not. If one could master this, well, wow.... Just THINK of what possibilities would lie ahead!
I wonder if this is the type of faith that God asks us to have. The faith that would allow us to walk on water, to move mountains, to save. A sobering thought. All it takes is the direction of our brains and the pure focus on the focal point. If mere human beings can produce reality out of thought, what more could we do if that focus were where it belonged? What if our focus were so entranced on God and His desires for creation and the world that we could will miracles into action to bring others closer to Christ?
Religion aside, I cannot fathom to what extent the human mind could travel given it's strength when all focused on a single area. It's unfortunate that the world offers so many distractors at every turning point that the people who have acquired the ability to train and focus their brain down to a single microscopic point are considered to have a disorder.......
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The Inner Child
As I listen to others being noticed for their talents, their specialities, their passions, a slight hint of jealousy begins to creep through me. The little girl deep inside is screaming, "but I'm good at those, too! Notice me!!" She continues to be pushed down as the adult face smiles and confirms these compliments being handed to others. And yet, in the back of her mind, she can't help but think about the screams of her inner child.
What happened? When did I get to a place that my talents, my passions, my small joys became hidden and unknown to those who know me best? When did I reach the point that I have to tell people, I do that! in order for them to know? When did I lose me?
I realized that the creeps of jealousy are, indeed, no fault but my own. I allowed those parts of me to slowly disappear, one by one, into a core inside that was hidden. That was unaccepted. That I no longer had time for because it wasn't fruitful. And yet, I have reached a point that I'm drowning in what they call burn out due to lack of self care. These passions: drawing, writing, photography, dancing, nature...they have one by one disappeared at the time I need them most to find myself again. The little girl inside, the one with the passions I truly enjoy, has been buried by what other people wanted, what was popular, what was acceptable, what was important.
But I didn't decide what was important. Or maybe I did. Maybe in the moment, in my attempts to become attractive and skinny and popular and perfect, my views of importance became skewed and twisted. Importance no longer became what I knew I loved as a little girl. Instead, those loves became "extras", areas I could pursue when I had time, when everything else was complete and in step with life.
The reality is, those are a part of me, too. And though I lost them for awhile, the child inside me won't let me forget. Maybe she knows better than I do what makes me happy. Maybe God is allowing me to hear her small, fragile and malnourished voice to remind me that she hasn't disappeared altogether, but I just neglected to nourish and feed into her in my ignorance of important priorities.
I look to the future with hope and excitement as I realize, all is not lost. I don't have to leave my childhood with the child. When I was young, I knew exactly what made me happy, and I did it. Now that I'm older, it's important--crucial--for me to bring the child along and to discover a new side of me.
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