The Inner Child

As I listen to others being noticed for their talents, their specialities, their passions, a slight hint of jealousy begins to creep through me. The little girl deep inside is screaming, "but I'm good at those, too! Notice me!!" She continues to be pushed down as the adult face smiles and confirms these compliments being handed to others. And yet, in the back of her mind, she can't help but think about the screams of her inner child.

What happened? When did I get to a place that my talents, my passions, my small joys became hidden and unknown to those who know me best? When did I reach the point that I have to tell people, I do that! in order for them to know? When did I lose me?

I realized that the creeps of jealousy are, indeed, no fault but my own. I allowed those parts of me to slowly disappear, one by one, into a core inside that was hidden. That was unaccepted. That I no longer had time for because it wasn't fruitful. And yet, I have reached a point that I'm drowning in what they call burn out due to lack of self care. These passions: drawing, writing, photography, dancing, nature...they have one by one disappeared at the time I need them most to find myself again. The little girl inside, the one with the passions I truly enjoy, has been buried by what other people wanted, what was popular, what was acceptable, what was important.

But I didn't decide what was important. Or maybe I did. Maybe in the moment, in my attempts to become attractive and skinny and popular and perfect, my views of importance became skewed and twisted. Importance no longer became what I knew I loved as a little girl. Instead, those loves became "extras", areas I could pursue when I had time, when everything else was complete and in step with life.

The reality is, those are a part of me, too. And though I lost them for awhile, the child inside me won't let me forget. Maybe she knows better than I do what makes me happy. Maybe God is allowing me to hear her small, fragile and malnourished voice to remind me that she hasn't disappeared altogether, but I just neglected to nourish and feed into her in my ignorance of important priorities.

I look to the future with hope and excitement as I realize, all is not lost. I don't have to leave my childhood with the child. When I was young, I knew exactly what made me happy, and I did it. Now that I'm older, it's important--crucial--for me to bring the child along and to discover a new side of me.